tw: mentions of miscarriage/stillborn
unwillingness to reveal information
Xenia hates telling people how she's feeling or what she's going through if she doesn't fully trust them or think that they're going to pity her or she doesn't know how they're going to react. She's kept huge secrets from her dad, Avion, and has been keeping one from her ex-friends as well as her 'big sister' for a long time now.
The secret that she's been keeping from her dad is the fact that she was sixteen years old she got pregnant with her first child by this one guy who's a couple of years older than her. The guy she had been dating back then was in complete secrecy from every person that was in her life at the time if we're being completely honest, but that's beside the point. The first baby secret that Xenia doesn't like sharing with anyone and she's only shared it with three people Avion, her cousin Jasmine, and the guy that she was to have the kid by because of the pain it would bring her. Her mom and her brother already knew about it because they were there for her when she really needed it bad. What happened then is that she had a miscarriage after only a few months had passed. It hurt her that it happened even though she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep the baby or not after it was born and it's still something that has remained a secret and she doesn't plan on telling those who don't know including her dad. The only reason why she doesn't want to tell her dad is that she's already disappointed him enough as it is by getting pregnant in the first place and becoming the trouble has been throughout the years. She wants him to think that he's done something right by her by having her homeschooled for seven and a half years of her life.
Her second secret was that she had some feelings for her best friend. The feeling did come to surface eventually, but it did cause some drama between Xenia and Avion. She didn't want to keep it a secret honestly, but she was scared to tell him because she didn't know if he was going to take it in a good way or if he was going to completely reject her and the idea. Harboring the secret was one of the hardest things ever because it caused her to make the illest choices ever. When she finally told him she felt relieved that she had. He gave her a tad bit of hope that if he wasn't the way he was that the two of them would have a chance with one another. She hated how someone could ruin his perspective towards relationships, but it was whatever because at the end of the day her secret was out from her mouth and not some big mouthed person the two of them both knew.
The biggest secret that she's keeping from everyone right now outside of well Avion and her family, of course, is that Avant was supposed to be a twin. When she got pregnant she never told any of her friends that she was pregnant with twins or what she was pregnant with in the first place because none of them deserved to know if you were to ask her. Long story short is a secret that she's going to keep with her until people learn the meaning of how to be a good friend and act like they only know her on certain things while on others they don't know who she is. She doesn't have the time nor care for that.
assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something // The quality or state of being loyal // A feeling of strong or constant affection for a person
Outside of her family, there are truly only two people that Xenia has ever put all of her trust into. Removing one person because she's like her big sister it leaves AVION GORDY
. The two of them met way back when Avion first moved to the city. The two of them met at the lake which today is considered their spot. It didn't take the two of them long to become best friends. She was attracted to the bad guy in him as well as every part of his personality, but she never saw him as more than a friend. She wasn't only his best friend, but she also became a member of the gang that he had in town. She wouldn't say that she put her loyalty into the gang, but her loyalty like her trust went towards Avion before anyone or anything else that had to do it. Xenia trusted him so much that she would have done pretty much anything for him - lie, cheat, fight, kill, etc and that's really saying something about her because no one else has ever had gotten that from her. She never thought that one day she would begin to see him in a different light, but it happened.
The two of them had a few sexual encounters with one another and after about the second or third time she found herself seeing her best friend in a different light. A light that she never thought she would ever see him in. And this is where love kind of comes into the picture. She has love for him, but she wouldn't know whether or not she would say that she was in love with him though she could have been falling in love with him because her feeling for him was that strong. It didn't become strong because of the sex or whether that wasn't the only reason. It was a bit of everything - the sex, the attention he gave her attracted her in lots of ways, who he was on the outside and on the inside (at least the part he wanted to share with her), and him just being here for her). When they had a huge falling out is truly hurt her on the inside in a lot of ways because she wanted and imagined the two of them being more than just friends one day and felt like she lost his trust, loyalty, and even the love that he may have had for her. When he left well that's a completely different story for a completely different time.
a disposition to be ill-tempered; irritable in character
Xenia can be extremely crabby when it comes to a lot of people and a lot of things. One thing she doesn't like to deal with that will make her irritated with a quickness is people butting their heads into business that's hers and hers only. She absolutely hates it and hates when people pretend like their her friend when they're really not and she's felt like that when it comes to pretty much all of her friends left and right. When she found out that Avion knew of her feelings for him because of their mutual friends it irritated her and cause her to lose the little trust she had for those people. Yeah, you can easily blame her being distant with people on what she was going through at the time, but it was them telling him things when they shouldn't be telling them. She's still pretty irked with all of them and doesn't care nor bother to tell them a damn thing because if you were to ask her they don't deserve to know shit that she's been dealing with or the pain that she's feeling in her heart right now. When she sees most she'll talk, but acting like she's cool and all of that? Nah she's not going to do it. It's not hard to find a reason to be irritable anyways considering that not a damn person who supposedly call themselves her friend or at least once did, considering that no one has asked her how she's doing with things in general or did a simple, basic things like wishing her a happy birthday back when she turned twenty-one a few months ago.
a sullen moody resentful disposition; in a bad mood and refusing to communicate because of resentment for a real or imagined grievance.
Ever since the birth of her son Avant Xenia hasn't one hundred percent been herself. You can call it her being depressive or you can call her being in a sullen mood. It doesn't matter which one because both of them rings true in her case. Hell, she was even diagnosed with postpartum depression some months after she had her son. You see as stated before, she not only had to deal with miscarrying a child but having her daughter, Avant's sister be stillborn. When she found the news out in the hospital room it honestly shattered her in more ways than one and she became distant from all of her friends due to it. She didn't want to do anything or go anywhere nor did she want to talk to anyone for a very long time. sometimes she still doesn't want to talk or see anyone, not even her own son. She wishes, she honestly wishes up and down that she can spend the whole day with her son, looking at him and talking to him and holding him in her arms, but it's damn near impossible without her wanting to cry or feel angered and resentment due to the fact that he doesn't have his twin here with him to play around with. All she can really do is pretend that she's not hurting and play things by ear day by day.
The act of accepting something or someone
Accepting everything that has happened in her life up to this point has been fairly hard for Xenia to do. It's hard accepting things when all she wants is for everything in her life to go right. It seems as if everywhere she turns nothing can go right rather it's the relationship with her family, her friends, or her baby's father. Her parents and brother keep telling her that she should stop living in denial that everything's going to one day be perfect when it won't be and she'll find herself again and completely get back to who she used to be, but she doesn't believe that's possible to be quite honest. She's been thinking about trying to tell her 'big sister' SIERRA SULLIVAN
about things and maybe that will bring her a little step closer to accepting things though she's not going to hold her breath, no one should.