My daughter is my favorite person. I know you’re not supposed to have a favorite kid and that’s a problem I’m trying to deal with right now but I have a favorite because she’s my favorite person. She’s gonna be four in June. So in June I will have had her in my life for four years, after nine months of falling in love with the idea of her and she just surpassed everything I could have wanted in a kid.
I think I just wanted a kid who wasn’t messed up somehow, when I was 19 I was way too young to deal with a kid with any special needs, and I just wanted her to behave. I just wanted a normal kid. I just wanted a normal run of the mill kid because I never wanted kids. I grew up in this big family and I have all these nieces and nephews and I love them and I’ve always babysat and loved it and in general I just like kids. I know it’s surprising, I wear a lot of black and I’m very sarcastic and I don’t like to run around or be loud but I love kids. I just didn’t want any. I grew up in a big family and it was so broken. When you’re parents are addicts and just barely love you and your best friend’s parents literally don’t give a shit about her, you don’t want kids. Em still doesn’t want kids. We’re grown ups and she’s married and she doesn’t want kids. I get it though. I didn’t want a kid, especially not when I was 19 and I barely knew this girl I got pregnant.
Me and Roma were barely dating when she got pregnant and it was weird and I don’t know why we really went through with it. But we stayed together and I completely and utterly fell in love with her. She’s so fucking gorgeous and her accent kills me and she was so into me, just as much as I was into her. And we were having a baby and I just though for some reason it would all work out. She made me really happy and I guess I wanted that. When you come from a shitty home you don’t want kids but you want love, you want someone to love and someone to love you so I went with it.
She had Mia and I just never felt anything like that before. I was just so in love with her from the first second. We both were. She looked like Roma instantly and we just showered her with love because that’s what you do when you’re a parent, that’s what I wanted from my parents so I gave it to her. I never wanted to be a parent but if I was going to do it I was going to do a good job. A fucking great job, you know?
I dunno where Mia came from. Like her personality. She’s amazing. She’s the brightest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve been around a lot of kids and they’re normally nice and good because they don’t know any better but Mia’s not just nice and good. She’s so friendly and outgoing and easy and happy. She pouts a lot but not for a good reason, just because she thinks it’s funny. She’s got a really good sense of humor. She’s smart too. She’s so smart. I’m smart. I graduated college early with a really amazing GPA, I graduated honors and cum laude, I know a few language and a bunch of instruments. I’m a cocky motherfucker but I deserve to be. I’m smart but she’s just so smart and quick to learn that it’s crazy. She knows Italian and Spanish, not fluently but she can listen along. She’s learning how to play the piano just from watching me play and her little fingers can barely reach but she’s getting it, she can’t wait until she’s big enough to get a guitar. She loves to read. She gobbles up books. I don’t think I could read when I was three years old but she can. She’s so smart. And she’s so happy and good. She just loves everyone and every thing and the only time she’s ever been really difficult was when she was teething. She listens, I never have to really repeat anything with her, she just does it and she does it happily. She pouts but not for real, not because she’s upset or angry, just because it’s funny and it’s cute and she knows that. She knows a lot and she’s little and I love it, I just love her.
I think maybe I thought I’d marry Roma. When we were really good it was the best feeling I had ever had and I just thought maybe she’d be the person I was with forever and when you found your person you marry them. My parents got a lot of things wrong but they did that part, they had been married, if those fuck ups got married then I could. Obviously I didn’t get married to her. It just…it just did not work out for us. I think after we had Mia I jumped into being a parent all the way and she didn’t. She’s older than me too and she just didn’t. She loves Mia as much as I do and I know that but that doesn’t make it any better. She just didn’t try as much as I did. She really liked going out before and that never changed and I just had a lot of shit going on with trying to graduate and we broke up. It hurt and I guess maybe I thought it was going to be temporary but that didn’t happen. She just couldn’t get her shit together and grow up like she needed to, which wasn’t even all the way.
I didn’t really want to go to court but we did and I wanted to share custody with her, because I didn’t want to ruin what we had or anything, I still thought there was some chance for us all to be okay and that wouldn’t happen if we’re arguing in front of a judge. But then she didn’t show up. We waited, I called her, she didn’t show. So Mia was mine, all mine, and I still wanted to share her than Roma left, she just left the country, she went home so it was just me and Mia. Her dad asked her to come home so she went. She probably would have gone anyway but I think if me and her had been in a better place or if we had been together or something she would have asked me to go with her and when we were good holy shit I would have gone, I would have followed that girl to the end of the Earth. But we weren’t good and she didn’t show up to court so she just left us here. It was hard at first but I got used to it, you know? I didn’t have that long of really being a single parent because Luna and Kye came back into my life in this really powerful way but there was a time when it was just me and Mia and it was amazing.
And it’s okay because like I said Mia’s my favorite person. Not little just person. Just in the world she’s my favorite person who’s ever existed and I know that’s wrong to say when I have another little person in my life but it’s true. She’s amazing and I love hanging out with her, I love it when it’s just the two of us doing literally anything. I wanted to be a writer, I still want to be a writer, I love writing and reading and I don't get to do it as much because of her. It's hard to focus to do anything, to come up with something halfway decent, when there's a little girl with big eyes that just pull you in because you just want to be with her. I don't mind how distracting she is and how demanding of my attention she is because she makes me happy man. Have you seen DJ Khalid’s snaps with his son? He just tells him how much he loves him and how he's his best friend and he's a mogul and a don and a boss and I feel all those things about Mia. She's my best friend, hanging out with her is the easiest and funnest way I can spend my time. I feel like I never get tired of her or overwhelmed. She’s the best. I never wanted to have kids but I somehow ended up with the best possible one.
This guy is coming around to me. I think she knows Mia’s my favorite. But I don’t my favorite kid, it’s nothing against him, it’s nothing personal, I just love her the most out of anyone else. But he’s not even two, he’ll be two in May, and he’s smart like her and he figured it out. The last few months have been rough because he doesn’t like me much but he’s coming around and he’s gotta come around, he can’t keep preferring his mom when she’s not around.
Kye’s a great kid. He’s so cute. He’s brown skinned and blond with these curls and these green eyes. Recessive genes are fucking wild bro. I know he gets his curls and skin from his mom and he gets his eyes from my family, just look at Strong and you’ll get it, that lucky nigga with his hazel eyes. I don’t know where Kye gets that blond though, like fuck, I hope he doesn’t get darker when he’s older. He’s gonna be a lady killer. He’s a grumpy little man and I’m not sure why, he’s always pouting but not the same way Mia does it, he’s just always wanting something else. You can cheer him up real easy but he’s got some resting sad face for a baby who doesn’t know anything else. I hope he grows out of that, I got that kind of face and people have assumptions because of it. I’m a lot friendlier than people think I am, I have a pretty decent sense of humor, I like making friends and talking to people and having fun, I’m not as grumpy as my face looks and Kye got that face. And I think because I got that face it affected my personality, it made me harsher than I have to be and I don't want him to have that personality. He can have my name and my face but he shouldn't have my personality.
I’m not sure why he got my name, I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea of sharing my name, I think your name is a big part of your identity. And he just got the Kye part, not the rest of it and I’m just Cai. We both can’t have that. So I call him Bubs. We all do, everyone does, I’m not sure he knows his name is Kye, he’s Bubs. I’m not really sure why Luna named him Kye, she’s never really told me and I’ve never asked.
Because she didn’t always like me. I knew her before I knew Roma and if Luna had given me the time of day back then I wouldn’t have ever had Mia honestly. I just was so in love with Luna when I met her. We were in college, she lived down the hall, she was tough as hell and she was so pretty and we got along really well. I had the biggest crush on her and everyone knew it, I always let that shit be know. I should have known then I was this person, I was this person who loves love and who falls in love so hard and takes it so seriously. She didn’t want me and she made it obvious and I respected it and her relationships, I realized she wasn’t going to get with me, so I dropped it and I resigned to being her friend. When I had Mia she was one of the first people I went to see, we were such good friends that I wanted her involved in my kid’s life. It’s weird right? I was so in love and she friend zoned me but because I’m not an insecure piece of shit I just stayed her friend then we had a kid together.
Me and Roma were falling apart and we were on a break or something and I went to Luna’s because I was sad and I wanted to be around a friend. I remember I went to her and not to Em because Em was getting serious with Monet at the time and she was on cloud nine, you know that perfect honeymoon phase when you’re so in love and so happy and everything is so good. I didn’t want to be around that during the end of my relationship, when I was falling out of love with the mother of my daughter, so I went to Luna. One thing led to another and we fucked and it was dope. I’m not even gonna front like it was anything but that, we fucked and it was amazing and when I went home, back to Roma because I didn’t have anywhere else to really go and we weren’t sure, I think I sort of knew it was over. Me and Roma didn’t really break up because I slept with Luna, it was just the final straw, you know? Me and my girl broke up and I moved out for real, I got a spot with some of my friends with an extra bedroom for my daughter.
I didn’t talk to Luna for a few months because I was just so busy trying to reestablish my life and when she finally came back into my life she was pregnant, like real pregnant, like ready to pop. She was all in her feelings, we had slept together and then I didn’t want to talk to her for a while because I was busy, so she decided fuck me and she’d deal with it on her own. She’d be a parent on her own. We fought a lot. She wouldn’t tell me anything, I had to stalk this girl to find out anything, I didn’t even know she had Kye until after the fact, I had to show up at her brother’s wake and corner her to get anywhere. It was so fucking crazy and maybe that’s why me and Bubs don’t get along as well as we could, it took too long for us to ever be around each other, I didn’t get to fall in love with the idea of him like I did with Mia.
It’s so stupid but somehow despite all of that bullshit we were doing me and Luna became friends again. You don’t really throw away four years of being friends, especially when you have a kid. We started getting closer and coparenting and then next thing you know we’re talking about feelings and making out and then we’re together. She fucked me over but I was finally getting the girl I always wanted. She was there for me throughout the whole custody thing and when Roma left Luna picked up the slack and helped me with everything. We became this family and I fucking loved it, it was the best thing, I thought I had been happy before and then that really showed that I could be happier.
But I still never really got there with Bubs, not the same way. Me and Luna recovered but somehow me and my little man never really got there. We’re working on it. There was a few months when he’d just cry and cry when I had him and he knew Luna was around, he doesn’t do that anymore but I can tell he’d rather someone else be holding him. Like I said I can cheer him up and he loves Mia so much and she adores him, she think he’s the most amazing thing in the world and she talks nonstop about him and always wants to be at his side, so having both of them isn’t really a chore, she makes him easier.
I think my little guy knows that I’ll always be here for him and I love him and I’ll spoil him but I’m worried he’ll always resent me. I resent my father and he was a million times worse than me. I might favor a kid but I love them both and I’m open about it, I’m gonna be affectionate with them until the day I die. I’m gonna give my kids hugs and kisses and call them pet names until I’m on my death bed and I’m a little worried Bubs won’t ever really like me. I don’t like my dad. I didn’t like him. He died. He died a few years ago and it fucked me up, I fucking cried for like a whole day and I fell apart. I hated how much I cared about him and how much it hurt even though he hadn’t been good to me. He never showed us love, he loved our mother and that was it, and he didn’t care what we did or who we were as people. He gave us a roof over our heads and that was enough in his eyes and he made my mother the same way. I resented my parents and I hated that my grandparents took everyone but left me and Josie behind in that house to deal with that. I didn’t want to be a parent because of them and I need to be better, I know I’m better and I’m worried Bubs won’t realize that or hate me anyway because I won’t let him share my name and I had all these problems with him at first.
But I can’t have problems with him too, we gotta get over this, because now it’s the three of us, just the three of us. We were a family for a while, one of those corny perfect four people families with a boy and a girl and a pet and now that’s over. Luna left. She didn’t leave leave. She didn’t abandon us. Her dad didn’t pull her away to another country like Roma. Luna is smart. She’s going to be a doctor one day and an amazing one, I know, she’s going to be great. She’s in her last year of medical school and someone passed her name along as someone to look out for and she got this amazing opportunity. Transfer programs, finish her degree in Philly at a much better program, and get a guaranteed spot for her internship. You can’t pass that up. I passed up NYU because I wanted to be close to my family, because I wasn’t sure I could survive on the east coast by myself, because I didn’t want to abandon my baby sister, and I don’t regret it but I think about it a lot. Maybe I’d be more if I had gone to NYU and done a better program to get my English degree. I would have had better mentors and I could be writing now. I could be a writer, not a radio producer who wants to be a writer, who doesn’t have the time because he has two kids with two different women and he doesn’t have time to write. Maybe if I had just gone with the best offer I’d be something more, I’d be more proud of myself, the plan I had in high school, the easy one that would mean more money and living for myself. I didn’t get to follow my goals and I don’t regret it but it’s hard to think about sometimes. So Luna gets this offer and I told her to go. I encouraged my girl and I told her to go and we’d figure it out. A year and a half, maybe two years tops. I can do that. We broke up. Not a clean or full break, it’s hard to just break up when you’re both really in love and happy, but a long distance relationship is a lot to deal with on top of being a medical student or a dad taking care of two kids on your own. So we broke up. We broke up and she moved across the country and we talk everyday but she’s gone and it’s me and my kids.
I just moved out of my apartment, I moved to my sister's farm. It's right outside of town and my mom lives there and it's quieter, it's calmer. It was weird living with two people my age who don’t have kids and forcing my kids on them, I felt like I’m annoying them and I needed to do this on my own. Plus my bedroom had bad memories now, memories that remind me of my girl. It doesn’t help that around the time we were discussing her leaving, when we were fighting about it because we were fighting a lot while trying to figure it out, Roma came back. She just showed up on my door, said she was back in the States and she wanted to see Mia and she wanted to be a mom again, the mom she never fully and completely was.
I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have told Luna to go. Maybe I should have said no to Roma coming back. Maybe I need to stop being in my head so much. Maybe I need to stop smoking. Maybe I need to start smoking weed. Maybe I need to see a therapist and get some Xanax. Maybe I should go to yoga more than once a week.Maybe I need to write more or maybe I need to think less about writing. Maybe I should join a band. Maybe I should learn a new instrument. Maybe I should go to grad school. Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe I need to bungie jump to get my blood pumping.
I don’t know. I know I need to calm down. I get panic attacks. The first time it happened Mia was still really little, I got a car accident with her in the car and I just freaked out and thought I was having a heart attack when Roma showed at the hospital. That time made sense, something happened, and they just keep happening more frequently. I never got any then I got two a year and then every few months and now I’m getting them monthly. I think so much and I worry so much and I’m just this coiling mess of nerves and things I’m sad and angry about and I just get them all the time. I don’t let them get to me because I can’t because I got two babies who rely on me and who I love more than anything else. I’m worried all that pressure is going to cause me to snap and I don’t want to know what that looks like. I got a promotion recently and I had a panic attack like who the fuck does that?
I don’t know what’s going on and what I’m doing or how I’m standing and functioning and not just falling apart constantly but somehow I am. I don’t think very well but it’s happening, you know, I’m making it through the day. Their mom’s left them so they can’t lose their dad either. I gotta figure it out or I gotta just deal.