Have you ever just walked past anyone and wondered just exactly what the person might be like? Just who am I exactly walking past here and are they worth anyone's time? What kind of things are they going through and just exactly who is anyone to anyone anymore these days? It's the kind of deep thought I don't normally go for, I'd have to admit that.
My office is snug tightly in the corner of the warehouse, and on hot summer days like this I'm glad I'm not out there. Work has to be done no matter what happens, twenty four hours but my shift starts at eight in the morning and ends at four in the afternoon. Still, I can't help but feel so dissociated from this place – my mind is completely somewhere else. I'm kind of in a dilemma, hence the way I'm thinking. Ever since a week back, I feel like there's something in my back and people are staring at me. Like I've been branded by some kind of scarlet letter that just lets everyone know 'oh hey, I gotta stay away from this guy.'
Fridays are nice, but this particular weekend I'm dreading. With work, I can at least busy myself with some complaint and return forms, or hell even grab a tab and do an order myself. I don't know what to do alone on Saturdays and Sundays, especially if Bray will be there with me. God, I cannot look at him in the face, especially with how much I hate myself. This has been going on since Blake, since Dom came back to my life.
Long story short, I'm a fucking cheat. I am the scum of the earth and I deserve to die. There was once a time when I was happy and content to go home, play with the dog, work on the yard and wait on the weekend for my time with my boyfriend. He's young, a little flighty, not sure if ready to settle down but definitely not out to his parents yet. I told him I would be patient, and that I am. I didn't realize how much of a weak person I am, I cannot possibly have said this and go back on my word.
The digital clock on my desk strikes 4 PM, and I unleash a soft sigh from deep within my guts. I didn't feel like going home. This is a twenty four hour operation that I work on, although unapproved overtime is heavily looked down upon by corporate, although technically I'm a supervisor and salaried. Still, I can linger around, right? I wave goodbye to the people working under me and start for the door. Something about barbecues and invitations catch my ear, but they were not meant for me. This weekend is going to be one lonely pit of self deprecation and waiting for death.
I hop into my truck and began to drive the opposite way I usually take to get home. I need to get away from that place. I just feel like being inside there and automatically I'm left alone to myself and I won't be able to stop thinking about me being the shittiest person alive. I park at some parking lot near the beach and hop out, tucking my hair behind my ear and moving on forward with my head down, eyes on the ground. For the most part people leave me alone, although I will get the occasional comment about my hair or height, but never in an unpleasant way. Who'd pick a fight with me, right?
Still, I'm glad no one seemed to be harrassing me today. I just want to head to the nearest bar and get something to drink. But then I remember I am not home, nor am I with anyone who can drive. I'll have to settle to stopping by the corner store and buy a beer or something. I opt to walk towards the beach, and something inside me is saying how cliché this is – contemplating and walking on the beach – but that thought is silenced by the rest of the louder thoughts in there, such as 'what are you going to do?' or 'you're a piece of shit and you should confess,' but not as loud as earlier. I stuff my hands in my pocket and stay away from the wet sand.
I find a quiet place to sit down on, brushing any rocks and shell fragments off of the surface and faced the water, as well as the setting sun. I have an hour or two of sunlight left, maybe as it's summer, but I kind of just wants it to be going down now and be dark. It would match what I'm feeling inside and I can't help but think I'm in high school all over again, but then again I never had these type of problems in high school. I was not out, nor I was exercising my sexual freedom back then. I feel like I'm always late at the party, and I didn't really let it all hang out well into my mid twenties. I dig at the sand with my right hand, enjoying the cool, gritty feeling of it in between my fingers and think back to my problems.
You're a taken man, I keep telling myself. If I just knew that I would end up being the unfaithful man that I am, I wouldn't have tried to fall in love so hard with Bray, and I do. I love him, I really do. But this is going to be so sappy, but I feel like can't be taught how to forget my past. To forget the person I loved before. Just like forgetting, I don't know how to fall out of love with Dom. If things had just not ended so bad between the two of us, we would be together. But whatever love I feel for Bray – and it's huge and a lot – I didn't force. Whatever I feel for him is voluntary and really out of my heart. In all honesty, he's in my dreams and giving me a disappointed look. Is it possible to fall in love with two people at the same time?
By the time I looked down on my right side, I had dug a pretty deep hole I can stick my whole forearm deep into the sand. I turn my eye towards the horizon and wish I'm somewhere else, somewhere far away from my problems. All I can do now is to run away from them, I'm tired of facing this on my own.