The house I live in right now is very loud. I don't live with my family, not my biological one anyway. These guys chose to have me and accept me into their family and I'm thankfully. I've always shared a room with whoever I've lived with which is no easy feat… have you ever seen Monsters University? There’s that scene with Mike and Sully sharing the room and basically just constantly colliding with each other, that is basically it. There is no space. I don't mind though. The fact I have somewhere stable and secure is enough for me. I have a bed, an actual bed and you know what, that's better than most of the other places I've lived. If you haven't guessed already from my vague remarks I'm in foster care.
My parents were never really maternal or paternal, it wasn't in them. My dad smoked meth. His skin was always blistered, his teeth rotted, it was disgusting. He just smelt like death. He used me like a human ashtray, I just have the scars on my back and my arms but I tell people if they ask that it was from a bad case of chicken pox growing up. I think they still know but they don't ask about it much after that. My mom took me and left for California when I was eight. I was relieved, I thought everything was going to get better. It didn't. She turned to prostitution to make ends meet so instead of one asshole, it was a new one every hour. She ended up addicted to heroin so nothing really changed. I wouldn't eat for days because she wouldn't go to the store, if I complained she'd just hit me or her pimp would. I was taken into the system at thirteen after my mom dropped me at the hospital and never came back. I was emaciated, had a spiral fracture and I was high.
Honestly it was the best thing she ever did for me. It was only a matter of time before he started turning me out too so although being abandoned by the only person in the world that is supposed to love you was the best thing for me. I bounced around California from foster home to foster home. Some were good, others not so much but I never really stayed anywhere for long because I was not the easiest kid. I'm still not really but I'm a bit more together I think. I know I landed on my feet at Camila's and I don't want to risk losing that.
School has never been good for me. I missed the majority of middle school so I was way behind when I started high school. People assumed I was just an idiot because I didn't really understand everything but it wasn't that, I hadn't had the start that they had. Plus I was called Barbara and anybody under 65 called that is going to have a hard time. Kids are fucking savage sometimes. I ended up crying in class on the first day and it was a huge mistake.
The taunts, the name calling and the pushing and poking was sort of relentless. I feel like if I’d just owned it on that first day, showed that I wasn’t bothered and pretended that I didn’t care then I would’ve been left relatively unscathed. You show that you’re scared then everybody takes advantage, they know you’re the easy target. People will treat you like shit if you let them. If you haven’t ever been bullied then you have no idea what it’s like. It just never stops. It’s not just in the classroom now, they get you on facebook, on twitter, on Instagram, on snapchat, there is literally no escape. My foster mom at the time told me to just stop using them then, come off social media but then you feel totally disconnected. You really can’t win.
I ended up acting up a hell of a lot until my foster parents had enough and sent me back. I started at a new school but the whole cycle just started all over again. So I ended up going through 3 more foster homes until I landed in Ashwick and at the Serranos place. It's different here. Mostly because I refused to take anybody's shit anymore. No kid is going to treat me like shit. I have my own bedroom, some space, people who actually seem to give a shit about me, I'm not giving that up. I’d say over the last eighteen months or so I’ve actually kinda grown into my face too? I mean I’m not really pretty or anything but I look uh, more put together or something I think. People don't think I'm just turning seventeen, they think I'm older and I love. I came into Lincoln with a totally different attitude because I knew I wouldn’t finish school if the same thing happened here. On my first day there as soon as one of the kids tried to say something shitty to me I whacked him in the mouth with my lunch tray. I know violence isn’t the answer but nobody said a thing to me again. That instantly fixed the problem. If only I’d known that before right? I was suspended for a week and it’s been threatened a few times again since but it hasn’t happened yet. I have the puppy eyes, ‘I’m so sorry I’ll never do it again’ bullshit down. I do spend a ridiculous amount of time in detention though. I think people are still sort of weary of me now. I mean I’m 5’6”, what am I actually really gonna do hm? I’m not the best behaved kid but it’s whatever. I’m getting decent grades so does it matter if I talk back a bit or skip one or two classes?
I think I’ve found my place in the craziness that is high school. I’m not like ‘everybody knows her name’ popular but I know a lot of people. I sort of own everything that people used to make fun of me for. I’m Barbara fucking Locklear, you say shit to me and I'm going to cave your fucking face in. They said I’d always have a boy’s body and nobody would ever think I was pretty and the latter may be true but I have boobs now… albeit sort of small ones but hey, that’s why pushup bras were created right? It all sort of works with my aesthetic, you know, I’m tough so don’t fuck with me. Yes I was the kid that smacked a boy in the mouth on her first day of school so be pleasant or back the fuck off. I’ve been told I’m slightly unapproachable but hey if you don’t have the balls to come and talk to me then that’s your loss. I’m nice, I am, you can ask any of my friends but I won’t be taken advantage of, I’m never going to let myself be put in the position that somebody could pick on me again. I found my niche, I’m the kid that used a lunch tray as a weapon and I’m just rolling with it. Maybe I’ll reinvent myself again if I get to college.